“So it would be as though I was shitting on the body, shitting on them and dissolving them at the same time. Once dissolved, I could then suck out the partially digested insides. I can’t chew my food, so instead I have to suck up the liquified remains of my prey through the straw- shaped part of my mouth. If I possessed better-built chelicerae - and in my fantasies I always do - I would masticate the person’s entire body, leaving behind a gloopy mess with only bits and bobs of indigestible materials floating around in it. Although the idea of sucking up just the insides and leaving a shell does appeal. So I’m torn as to which way I would do it.

Although I’m naturally handicapped - with weak venom and underdeveloped mandibles – I won’t let that get in the way of my murderous desire, my insistent murderous desire to murder a human! I’m not the biggest garden spider, so I can’t use bulk alone. I couldn’t just shove the rear end of my abdomen into someone’s mouth, or even just up their nose, though I have tried - once with my cephalothorax balanced precariously on a woman’s upper lip, and my posterior extended as far as it would go up her nostril, wiggling my pedicle around, trying to block up her air passage... causing nothing but a stir and nearly being crushed in the process.”