Champagne Murders
David Steans

Champagne Murders

David Steans, 2014
Original music by Clear Phantom and Stamina Nudes. Voice acting by Georgia Boukla, John Mylotte, Bad News, Keith Senior, David Steans, Hazel Steans, Jennifer Steans and Bryan Smith. Eight channel audio installation:

Restaurant Reviewer

Lucid Dreamer

Funeral Designer

A Courier?





Scalped Plinths 6–7
Harry Meadley and David Steans, 2014
Found and scalped plinths from MEXICO c.2010s

Scalped Plinth 8
Harry Meadley and David Steans, 2014
Found and scalped plinth from Henry Moore Institute c.2000s

Wet chair
Matthew Crawley, 2011 - 2014
Conference chair, pvc tube, peristaltic pump

One too many
Harry Meadley, 2014
Twenty three empty bottles of Dom Pérignon

Stick or Tw13t
Matthew Crawley and David Steans, 2014
Table number extracted from Stick or Twist JD Wetherspoon

Champagne Murders
is an eight-channel audio installation by David Steans, featuring original music by Clear Phantom and Stamina Nudes. It is comprised of eight separate vignettes in which voices variously relay or imply eight respective ‘murders’. A murdered man negotiates next-day delivery of his corpse with a disinterested courier service; a frustrated restaurant reviewer suffers from professional jealousy on the edge of the Nottingham and Beeston canal; an inept lucid-dreamer is terrorised by a dream-version of the actor Will Smith, and a holidaying family receive a perturbing email from their cat-sitter.

“So it would be as though I was shitting on the body, shitting on them and dissolving them at the same time. Once dissolved, I could then suck out the partially digested insides. I can’t chew my food, so instead I have to suck up the liquified remains of my prey through the straw- shaped part of my mouth. If I possessed better-built chelicerae - and in my fantasies I always do - I would masticate the person’s entire body, leaving behind a gloopy mess with only bits and bobs of indigestible materials floating around in it. Although the idea of sucking up just the insides and leaving a shell does appeal. So I’m torn as to which way I would do it.

Although I’m naturally handicapped - with weak venom and underdeveloped mandibles – I won’t let that get in the way of my murderous desire, my insistent murderous desire to murder a human! I’m not the biggest garden spider, so I can’t use bulk alone. I couldn’t just shove the rear end of my abdomen into someone’s mouth, or even just up their nose, though I have tried - once with my cephalothorax balanced precariously on a woman’s upper lip, and my posterior extended as far as it would go up her nostril, wiggling my pedicle around, trying to block up her air passage... causing nothing but a stir and nearly being crushed in the process.”

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